I feel myself sinking lower. I am being swallowed alive, devoured completely; the candle still burns, but the wind is strong and threatens to snuff it out. Holidays,  grief, and depression are a dangerous mix. I have been fighting to stay above water, to keep the fire and hope burning, and I just feel so let down. 

The isolation and loneliness of living in the country away from friends and family is especially difficult during the holidays.  I have done everything I know how to do.  I invited absolutely everyone that I know to a Christmas party. 3 people came.  Don’t get me wrong,  I am excruciatingly grateful for those three people,  but this begs the question,  what the hell is wrong with me? Why can I not seem to connect with other human beings when I want and need that with every fiber of my being. Seriously,  what the fuck? 

Perhaps I appear too eager,  my isolation has made me desperate for human companionship. I don’t really know, but I can say that it feels like rejection. I know how the kid feels who has nobody come to their birthday party. It sucks. The desire and ability to make healthy choices is gone right out the window. Pass me another effing cookie. 

I have a beautiful gym in a beautiful new home, and I am struggling.  It is especially tough…. this alleged Crossfit community phenomenon,  I drove an hour each way several times a week for over two years.  I thought I belonged.  I thought I  was a part of something.  But this is the second time I have invited everyone from the box to my home and the second time nobody has come. 

I realize that I am stuck in the middle of a gigantic pity party,  and it is a bit embarrassing,  but it is real. I’m here, it hurts, and I feel stuck. 

I promise to work out today. I will try to avoid the mountains of leftover party food surrounding me. I will try to make healthy choices.  I will try to be kind to myself. 

There have been many years in my life that making healthy choices has been easy. There have also been years in my life that have been a struggle.  For me today, I still have some fight left in me, but the struggle is real.